Forever from HedCen

After all this time

2007-07-19T01:21:00.000+09:00

We have once again encounter a large gap inbetween entries. Is there a real reason why? Not really. Perhaps its the college factor. Oh yes, college has kind of filled in that large gap.

College isnt all its cracked up to be. At least not yet. It seems all the same, lectures, projects, papers and then people. Only place I have been actually challenged is in my Lit class and due to that I am officially greatfull to it.

I am not really up for talking about my college life. Yada-yada. If I did I might go on forever. No one really wants a forever talking Nathan right?

I have sort of lost my sense of direction. For the longest time, my life has been academics and then athletics. I have always gotten good grades, something I have worked extremely hard at, I have excelled for the past few years, namely in football and swimming. Now, the college thing has messed that up a bit.

In what way? Well, my life is still academics although people may not tell that by how I act. Sports have kind of faded away though. I am still slightly crushed from not making the Ateneo football team. Was I really not good enough? Was I too out of shape? Was it all cause I injured myself and never fully recovered?

I lack the answer and that is something that will always be in the back of my mind. Football has been on of my true passions and now it slipped through my fingers. All I have left is are a few IAC futsal matches that wont see me past 1st sem.

Thats life right? But I am doing pretty well in this futsal games. Haha, yes, always looking on the bright side I guess. Maybe I can try again next year when I have nursed myself back to full health. Argh, working out. Can I get myself up to working out again? I have, ever since injuring myself, grown lazy. Tsk tsk, lazy. Bad habit kids, never fall into it.

Haha, Nathan, giving his words of wisdom to the kids of the world. Scary huh? Keep your children away. XD

Back home

2007-05-29T07:02:00.000+09:00

Okay, I'm up earlier then I'm supposed to be. It's 6am in the morning here but I've been up way longer then that. Jetlagged so you can guess that I'm home already. Nothing noteworthy on the flight here except I saw Anton's father at the airport in the Japan. We took the same flight home. What are the chances right?

Looks like I may not get my last football game. They have changed the rules and are not allowing outsiders to play, so HEdCen can not play and if I want to I'll have to enrole for a lot of money only to get 2 training days and the tourney out of it. Waste of good money but I would have loved to play. I love the sport too much and I think I will try out for the Ateneo team, as a goalkeeper. The coach said I would have better chances of making the team this way. Maybe when I got older I could be moved to the field. Will try for this then.

I need to get out of the house. Haha. XD

Before my flight

2007-05-27T00:27:00.001+09:00

In two short hours I have to leave this hotel that has been my 'home' for the last week of my vacation and take a plane ride half way around the world to where my home really is. The saying is true, there really is no place but home. Home, home is not a building with walls a roof and a floor. A home is much more then that. A home consists of the people you love and those who love you back and I miss mine.

I miss it so much that I am wiling to brave the act of flying. I extremely dislike flying but the only way from here to there is a flight.

I am sitting in front of my new laptop, a grad gift from my relatives on my father's side, sipping a glass of orange juice. The alarm on my phone has just rung telling me that it is already 830 in the morning and that I should be up getting ready. Well, I am up and I am more or less ready. Just a few more odds and ends that I need to tidy up.

How can I sum up my trip. A trip of a thousand words in one? Refreshing. Maybe that is the best way to say it.

That's all I have to say for now, my next update I'll be home. See you then. XD

Homesick

2007-05-24T03:36:00.000+09:00

'No day but today'

Lyrics from the closing song of the broadway show 'Rent.' Saw this with my grandma and grandpa last saturday. These words they are so powerful at least that is how they strike me. The song goes on to say that 'Your life is yours to miss.' Life is here, in front of you. Life that was is behind you and the life you want to live is in front of you. You have to link whats here the now to there, what's in front of you.

That being said, what am i doing today? I am going to watch a soccer game but before that I am going to go to the Needle as they call it here in Seattle. Wonder place with a 360 degree view of the whole city. Quite exciting really. I am here on the computer obviously now but I am here in the hotel room on my brand new laptop. Hehe, yup very cool. Kick ass really.

My buddy Kevin has started college. Started ahead of us cause he is in La Salle unlike the rest of us. Kevin is going to make it big no matter what college he goes to. Kevin has got so much going for him, so much more then he may be aware of. No worries, he'll see it for himself in time. At least the very least he should know that I've got his back.

Believe it or not but after a week and a half I am extremely homesick. The weather must be doing it to me. Somedays it freezing, others its nice and warm. The cold weather makes me sleepy actually. Strange but funny. Haha. I have been tamed by the cold.

Its about lunchtime over here. Gonna catch some McDonald's. See yah. XD

2007-05-22T02:42:00.000+09:00

Here I am sitting in front of a computer updating this blog of mine. I am no longer in New Jersey. Actually, last night Grandma and I flew to the other side of this huge thing that is the United States of America. I will not talk about my flight because who really wants to hear about that right? Haha.

So, here I am, hands shivering as I write this entry. Wearing the same clothes as I wore when I flew in last night. Can not take a shower as my aunt's place is a real mess at the moment. Clothes were hanging in the shower so I am unable to take a nice longer warm shower to make myself feel better. But, no worries right?

There is one thing I must mention about the flight though. They showed this great movie, "Freedom Writers" I believe. It is about a teacher who gives this class a new outlook on life and helps them move past the issues of rich vs poor, racism and discrimination. The movie has helped reinforce an idea that has been with me ever since I started school at HEdCen. Sometime after I graduate, I would like to be a teacher.

This is really a big choice for me because I have always wanted to be rich. Not for selfish reasons, I do not want a big house or expensive car, I do not want the hot outfits or the fancy food. Money comes with power, power acts with influence. I want to make a dent in this world. To make something happen, something good. And after I die they do not even have to remember my name but what I did, will stand. What I did would have made a difference even if those who benefit from it do not know who made that change, made that difference happen.

I have always been happiest helping people even when I may not get anything significant in return. I may not get paid for what I do, not in monetary ways but knowing that I did something good, that is all the return I'll really need. People reading this may believe that I am naive. That I really believe all this crap about one person making the difference. About doing good always gets its worthy returns in the end. That what I say is impossible. Saying that something is impossible is failure at the very first step. Anything is possible. That's the way it has always been. It just takes a little bit of belief and a whole lot of work.

I would like to teach. There are several teachers over the past years, my high school teachers that have inspired me to become the person I am. They have been the greatest role models a guy like me can ask for. Everyone needs a hero. I've found mine in them.

After I graduate college I intend to get work experience, somewhere, somehow and then take over my grandfather's company, construction business. But somewhere in the great plan I have for my life I will fit in teaching. Maybe only part time, perhaps full time but as long as I can make my mark.

People say that changing the world is too big a task for an man to attempt. Then do not attempt at the whole world. Attempt at your world. You do not interact with the world as a whole you are born, live and eventually die in a small corner of the globe. I will start working in my little corner and if you'll join me in your little corner then if someone else joins us and then another and another, that's a lot of little corners. Then, a corner is not just a corner, its a whole chunk, its a whole town, a whole city, a state, a country, a continent, a lot of little corners equals the whole world. This is the power of you, this is the power of us, our power to make a difference in our own little way. This is what we must strive, hope and live by.

Be the difference.

I wanna party XD

2007-05-18T23:13:00.000+09:00

Okay I know I havent been posting often. Actually I havent posted ever since I arrived here. My mistake. Haha. Well, what has been going on here...Hmm...

Day after I arrived went shopping with grandma. Got a bunch of new shirts and shorts. Actually, shopping has been a constant for the past few days. Got some new soccer gear. New football cleats for Zach and myself. I really hope Zach loves the cleats I got for him. Got some new jerseys as well. So excited to play football when I get back. Found out from Zach that we've got one last festival before I hit the big college ban. Sadly, even though I am a year younger then most I am not allowed to play in Highschool games once I enter college. Sadly though. Haha, I dont know or actually Im not 100% sure what Im going to do with my football when I get back.

Well, I can enter the college team although it make take a few years before I can make first team. Other thing is I can try out for keeper, it make take a few months but I may be able to make first squad doing that. Another thing is I can train with UP but I can not play for them then try to make my way into the Ateneo squad. Lastly I can join a club but they do not appear as competative as the inter-school football leauges. Sigh, if only I started earlier. I started 2nd year HS and it took until halfway through 3rd to realize I wanted to take this seriously. Dang it ROFL.

Anyways, I will reach those cross roads when I have to.

We are about to leave to visit some Riskin relatives that I did not know I had. One of them, my cousin's cousin's wanted to bring me to a college party but I cant go or else I would have to stay overnight. To do that I would have to skip the Broadway show on saturday. Okay, I admit, maybe I want to go to the party. I have never been to a full out party and now I get a chance at a college one here in the US. Haha, but how would that look to the family back home. Gave up a broadway show to go partying. Bad image for mr.-former-student-council-president.

Starting today I am going to try to update more often. I have alot of time in the mornings cause I still wake up early, around 6 while everyone here wakes up at around 9 and then it takes till 10 for them to become fully 'active.'

Anyways, missing the Philippines and my family and friends but I am having fun here. XD

1st day in the US

2007-05-14T18:53:00.000+09:00

Okay, I am here safe and sound. Feeling a bit down buts that's a long story. Ill get into it a bit later perhaps. Its around 6 in the morning here but Ive been up since around 3am. Woke up and could not go back to sleep. Great thing though, they have a few 24hrs football channels. Amazing!!! Haha XD The sun came out earlier so I decided I might as well do something and update this thing.

Not really up for talking about the trip. Horrible just like I imagined. Hate flying, especially the feeling of the plane dropping a few feet and that instance of free fall even for just a moment. Makes me so unsettled. This is also why I do not think I will even be able to take roller coasters. Yeah I know, I'm a wuss sometimes.

I enjoy typing here on this PC in the den that I'm staying in. It makes this smooth noise and makes it sound like I'm typing alot faster then I really am. Big shocker to me, its spelled 'a lot' not 'alot.' Swt, haha. Ive already got 'alot' integrated into my typing and its automatic already. Tsk tsk, americano pa ako noh? Haha. You would think with english being my only real language that I would have mastered it. Think again, being american has only allowed me to take speaking english for granted so my vocab and spelling is wack sometimes. Wack as in messed up, not as in Wacky Torres.

Not sure what I want to do today, Grandma wants to take me to the mall and go shopping. I'm up for it, excited to see the kind of football merchandise they got there. Yup, I'm a jock, so sue me.

Okay, I run out of smart witty things to talk about. Time for the serious. So, seriously, this trip has come at a very bad time for me. Few days ago was the first year anniversary of my mom's passing away. Did not make it easier that while I was on the flight, after 11hours of horror I heard the flight attendant wish the cabin 'a happy mother's day.' It was mother's day and it was a year since I'd had one. Strange thought to say the least. To say more it was upsetting. Almost a day of traveling by yourself with all that time to think does not help the situation really. I am feeling a bit better now but do miss my 'support group.' My support group are all my friends, family and the likes who just by being there and being themselves can cheer me up and for a moment or two help me forget the bad things.

I have dealt already with the death of both my parents. It was God's will and having faith makes me realize that you do not always need an answer. But trusting God and believing that everything happens for a reason does not mean I can not have my own personal moments of sadness. And why not? It was a sad thing that happened and I feel that I have the right to. I answered a friend with this, 'I'm going to get through today and then tomorrow and the days after that till the very end cause my parents would not want me to not live my life cause I still mourn the loss of theirs.' Inspiring words to myself haha. XD I could be my own shrink.

Teacher Ana gave birth recently. Sadly though I was not able to visit but will make it a priority once I get back to visit her. I was waiting for the longest time for Teacher Ana to have this baby and I am so happy for her as I know that they have been looking forward to this for so so long. I was hoping that she would have had it sooner so I could have stopped by but babies decide on their own when to come out and nothing I say or want will change that? Haha XD

I'm hungry, gonna grab something out of the fully loaded ref. Be right back.

Okay, back but now with a handful of seedless grapes. :)

It's now 6:13 in the morning here meaning its exactly the same over in the Philippines only 6:13 in the evening. Funny though that no one is online in YM. Would love a chat really. Did people suddenly decided to go to sleep early, as in super early? I usually do wake up around this time but grandma and grandpa mike are still fast asleep. Wonder to what time I will be alone.

Doesn't matter. I enjoy being alone, for the meantime at least.

Not sure what to do now, guess I'll see what's on TV. Hoping I have a great day today to cheer myself up. I will try to post later after the day is through and through. See yah. XD

Last post before US trip

2007-05-12T18:15:00.000+09:00

I dislike flying. I would say 'hate' but I have always thought of hate as such a strong word to use. Say dislike instead of hate I always say. Now, why am I talking about flying? Tomorrow morning I am leaving for my US trip. One week in New york then one more in Seattle. Have to leave the house at 3. Flight is at 6. Then get this, not in the afternoon, in the morning. Yup, leaving at 3 in the morning. Now why did I HAVE to get the first flight huh? Haha, no worries though. Hopefully I will be able to sleep better and that should whisk away a couple more hours off the trip.

I don't like flying cause of a few reasons. First is safety. Yes I know the statistics that say that flying is by far the safest mode of transportation. Still doesn't make me feel any less uneasy about the whole thing. Next reason is the food. I can not stomach airplane food. For me, its horrible. Can not stand it. I have to survive the 15+hour trip with a couple packs of chips from my backpack. Third, I am a big guy and the seats aren't exactly extravagant. Not a whole lot of leg room so I end up prone to cramps. Sucks to me huh? Haha, being tall isn't all its crack out to be. Last reason, it's boring. You are in this small seat with nothing to do except watch movies on a super small screen. Plus, the movies are usually the ones you have seen 125 times before. No sense watching it for the 126th time right? Haha.

Have to share this song.

Chris Daughtry - It's Not Over

I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
We'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.It's not over.

Taken all I could take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong, holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
'Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,But you're the only one.
It's not over.

We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Let's start over.
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Now, why do I like this song. It tells a great story, to fully understand, take a look at this guys music video. Just thought I should share this.

I am about to get off the laptop cause I want to spend sometime with my brother before I get back to packing. He is out in the back with the dogs. Two of the most important things in my life in one backyard. My beloved brother and my lovable doggies.

I gotta go. Wish me a safe trip will yah? Thanks, appreciate that. XD

Disappointment

2007-05-04T14:55:00.000+09:00

I am the planner in our little group of friends. It is a job that I do not always relish but somebody has got to do it right? That someone, more often then not, is me. Thing is, when I organize an event, I always end up feeling personally responsible for every individual's happiness. I always gotta make sure that everyone is enjoying themselves. Actually, no matter where I am, at something I organized or not, I always feel personally responsible for everyones happiness. When other people are happy, so am I. Thats just how I tick I guess.

My trip to the US has been all planned out. New York for a week then Seattle another. This is going to be great. I love visiting the US. Even though I am half Filipino, although I have lived longer here in the Philippines then in the US, at my core, I still am American. Do not get me wrong, I am proud to be in part Filipino but I remain American at heart. My father was born and grew up in the US. He was actually an American Jew. And contrary to what alot of people thing, being Jewish is actually two different things. You can be Jewish, as in believing in the Jerwish religion or you can be Jewish, as in a nationality. Its the same as saying im American, Pinoy, German, or Danish. My father was Jewish by blood but full Christian inside. So, my father, no matter his bloodline, he grew up and was an American. He wanted his children to be the same way. So now, in some way, we still are American deep down inside.

Today we concluded the first module of the Ateneo Football *something*. Haha, I forgot what the C is. Kinda left my AFC friends and teammates hanging as I decided to play for HedCen instead. Was hoping to get a full squad and have a great time with the guys as this may have been my last festival playing for HedCen. Really wanted to make the most of it. After all the planning and arrangements, on game day, our squad, born 90-91 was short. We had to pull some extra players out of the 92-93 squad just to make the 7 that we needed. No subs. Even without alot of important players, like Justine and a few others we finished first unbeaten, even in the group stage. We did not concede a goal and we finish with 13goals out of 6 games. Not bad huh.

Now here is the thing, those people who did not come, they committed to come and we were expecting. I was frantically calling them before the games started. I got no answer. Latter on Justine texted me that he had to visit a tita in the hospital with cancer. We all understood, most of all myself as I lost two parents to cancer. On the other hand, I got no explanation from the other. I called this person parents and told me that he slept at a relatives place so this person would be closer to Ateneo for the game. This person told his parents he was playing. We expected him to play. No explanation. After messaging him and saying that we won, he replied but still no explanation. All I got was 'sorry, it was an ugly act.'

Ugly act? Now that is a funny way of putting it. This person merely made a choice, to do his duty that he set himself upon or to simply forget it all. To forget his teammates, his school and his friends. My 'friend' chose the latter of the choices. Friends trust each other, to tell the truth and to be honest. This 'friend' wasn't. He told us he had an illness. His definition of 'illness' apparently meant I just really didn't feel like it. Friends have faith in the other person to do the right thing. This 'friend' didn't.

I am not angry believe it or not. It would be easy to scream at this person. Blame him for all the mistakes he has done. Get mad at him and beat him to a pulp. But the strange thing is, I'm not angry. I am not mad. The thing that I am is, disappointed. When you get close to a person, when you are really friends. You expect things. You expect the person to make the right choice, to say the right things, to be the best person that friend could be. This person, I would like to think he was close. This guy, for the most part has been another brother to me, for the longest time. Maybe not from his point of view and if that is the case then I am very sad but I have always seen him as a brother and treated him as such. You expect alot from your brother. You know what a great person he is inside of himself and you know how much this person could actually accomplish if he tried. I have always believed in this person, this person had such much potential and this brother was a great guy. Is it wrong for me to expect so much? Maybe he could not reach the high bar that I set for him? Maybe I set myself up for disappointment from the get-go.

But then, I ask you all, is choosing between your responsibility, your pledge to do something for your friends and ignoring it all such a hard choice? For a friend it shouldn't be. There is supposed to be only one real answer to this question. I'm sure you can figure it out for yourselves.

What is luck?

2007-04-29T17:57:00.000+09:00

Some people have good luck charms. I have got something like that but not quite what I would label as a 'good luck charm.' I have got two things that when I wear them, good things seem to happen. Or at least I used to have two. First, I had a necklace that I got from a dear friend as a 'pasalubong galing US' while the other was from another dear friend. This time it was a bracelet and I try to wear both when ever I can. Sadly however, the necklace broke after a long service record. The bracelet, sufficent to say, its on the table now right next to the laptop as I type this. Just a thought as to when these two things started being my 'lucky charms.' I wore both of them the day I scored my first RIFA goal.

But what is luck really. Do people really get lucky? Can people actually turn luck in their favor? Or maybe, there never was a thing called luck. Maybe people are destined for some things. Maybe I was destined to score that day after all those years, after all the effort I put into playing, maybe then, there, it was supposed to happen. Maybe, it was not luck. Perhaps, I earned it. The world did not just throw me a bone, I grabbed thatbone and said, 'this is mine, not yours, deal with it.'

Destiny however can be a scary topic in itself. That things were supposed to happen. That no matter what you do or what you think, things will always end in a certain way. It is almost like that the world could have existed without you even being there. You could not do anything but things would somehow act out in a way toward an end. But, maybe by doing nothing, you are doing your part in the act that is the play that is the way things work in this world. The decision process that we all go through. Do i have tea or coffee this morning? Do i fake left or drive right? Do I lie or tell the truth no matter how hard it is to tell? Some of these decisions are easy to make, I feel like coffee today, so thats what I'll have. This guy is sluggish on his right so I'll take advantage and go there. But then, there are the harder decisions to make, do i lie? Do I steal? Do i hurt? Should I? Could I? Must I? These decisions are sometimes harder to make out. It is harder to shift through all the haze around these things and find the 'right answer.' But if there is such a thing as destiny, doesn't making a choice mean nothing? Someway, somehow, you were supposed to choose coffee, you were supposed to drive right. You had to lie, you had to cheat, you had to steal. You just had to do these things cause from the very start of time, you were meant to do it. Isn't that scary? You are a puppet in these puppet act that is life, that is history that is time. Scary.

We humans are mortal beings. We all have an expiry date stamped on us somewhere. Sorry for us, we just cant see it.

Up until

2007-04-28T15:49:00.000+09:00

Up until recently I have been updating faithfully. Thing is, my computer has completely died and therefore I have no real access to the internet. When I do get the chance to use another computer, my tita's laptop or other tita's desktop I never seem to be in the mood to realy write. Well, today is Saturday, it is a weekend and my tita has no work. Her laptop has been on the table top doing nothing so I thought I'd go back and give this blog a go again. Luck for it I seem to be in a good writing mood today.

But then, what to write about. Hmm, what about good bands that disspear for no real reason? Thing is, I have always enjoyed the music of bands like Third Eye Blind and Vertical Horizon way way back before I knew any band names. I knew there songs and only recently, I got to know their band names. What I still do not know is what happened to them? Hmm, maybe, I will never know. Just gotta enjoy their songs at the moment I guess then huh?

Okay, no matter how un-cool this may make me, I admit it. Im watching One Tree Hill and I really like it. But, even though I have admitted to watching this after all those times of denial, one thing must be made clear. I WILL NEVER WATCH/LIKE THE OC. Sorry, just isnt going to happen. Alternating between watching One Tree Hill and playing XBox has made up most of my doing while I am here at home. Then there are those times when I find myself outside on the terrace while eating some dessert while diving into the ocean that is human thought. Thinking, everyone does it but some, more then others.

Besides football, which is only four times a week and only in the mornings there has been nothing to get me out of the house. I am such a bum sometimes. OK, I think that for some reason I have gone on too much. Hmm, I am out of things to say. Maybe the next time I get ahold of this laptop Ill write more...

By the way, my favorite dessert is Apple Tart, the way my Lola makes. XD

MRT just to say the least

2007-04-18T21:05:00.000+09:00

"You need to be able to detach yourself from the worlf that you live in." These are the words of a man whom I have much respect for. You need to be able to distance yourself from the problems of this world for dwelling on them can lead to instanity. This world is really messed up yes but there are so many joys in it as well. But the thing is, the bad things always seem to stick with you longer then all the joys that you go through. You have to be able to set yourself apart from them, the bad things in this world. Now why? BECAUSE THINGS IN THIS WORLD DO NOT LAST. This is true, so very very true. The only things that last are those things that deal with God. The only thing that matters in the end is our trust and faith in God Almighty. I am not going to impose my religion on anyone, do not mistake me for doing so but this is what I believe in andif you have another stand, I respect it and if you believe in it then, kudos to you for having something to believe in.

There are so many people who have nothing to believe in. Nothing to look forward to or even to hope for. The human soul needs hope.The human soul needs to believe that there is life after death or else this life becomes all too important. Because for the person without an afterlife, this is it. This life is all they will ever have. When they mess up, when they make a mistake, and everyone makes them, they get so upset. Because that is all that matters, what they just did, in this life, is it. There is no more second tries and when they die, if people forget about their lives they leave the world just as they entered it but without making an impact. Their life was meaningless. But the thing is, this world holds little barring when taking into account the big picture. THINGS DO NOT END HERE. There is still an eternity to live out. An eternity to live out with God. So do not mourn for the deaths of those you love, celebrate because they have just gone to paradise just a tad bit sooner then you.

Maybe, just maybe Im getting too religious here. Took the MRT for the first time in the longest time. Reminds me of the U.S. Upon entering it, it becomes hard to comprehend that something so clean and efficent can actually be here in the Philippines amongst all the disorder and arrest that is our country. Goes straight to Katipunan from very near my house. No problem going to school now for me. Hehe, thats great news for me.

Trying to organize a get togetherof the guys this friday. Just lunch then a movie but anytime spent with these guys are priceless. I really really love these guys and I am not afraid to say so.

I do not understand this macho ideal of not saying anything that people deem as 'sappy.' If you feel something, just say it. When you love someone, in any way, you have to tell them that because you never know, you never will know if you will ever have the chance to say it again. People you care about could disappear before you even know it. The people that care for you may lose you before hearing the things you wanted to tell them. I believe, with all my heart, that what you feel there, in your heart can not afford to be locked up. You can not push away the 'good' emotions. You have to express them.

Once again, I am digging too deep for some people. I may appear, from the way I write to be queer or strange but in reality, this is really how I feel about the things that I write here, and of you consider that as being queer or strange. Then maybe, just maybe, I am.

Prime example, the incident in Virginia Tech. Gunman comes and kills all these college students. Sparring no one before taking his own life. You must have all heard or read about it already. Do you think that all of those who died at the hands of this man were able to tell those they cared about who much they loved them. I hope that they were able to but the reality is that most of them maybe were not able to. That alot of them kept what they felt about other people inside. Holding it off for another day, another time, another place. Thing is, THERE MAY NEVER BE ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER TIME OR ANOTHER PLACE. Thats the reality of it all, it sucks, yes but it is something that we enter life with. Its on the fine print of being born that you will die and that everyone around you will die eventually as well. We have to be ready for that, we have to be prepared.

Are you? Have you told those that you love how you feel? If not, you should. You may never get that chance to do so. I know, from first hand experience I know. Now I hope that you can grasp something from what I have written here, you may not realize how much it can help you.

And here we are

2007-04-14T19:39:00.000+09:00

"And here we are. In between where we were and where we want to go. We will enter a world that is filled with trials, a world that will test the kind of person that we are." This is something that I took out of a speech I gave during our graduation. It was the grad speech actually. These words mean alot to me, and it is not because I thought them up or because I said it. It because that these words mean something. High school is very different from college, it is even farther away from who real life really is. College is a big step, for anyone, anywhere. And yet here I am, in between all the memories and joys of my high school and dreading the strangness, the alien world of college.

Trials? Yes, trials. The real world holds many dangers, many temptations. Temptations, it is always so much easier to give into them, it is always easier to give into peer pressure. Conforming to the ideals of the world is easier. The world will view you as cool or 'astig' for doing what it wants you to do. The world wants you to have pre-marital sex. The world wants you to do drugs. The world wants you to steal, cus and hate. The world wants you to do all of this and its easier to do them. In the end it is easier to conform to the world and be cool then to stay true to yourself only to be looked upon as a nerd.

To us them the choice is, to be cool or to be looked upon as a nerd. What a choice yet only we are the ones who can make it. What am I? Only time will tell what I will end up being.

Just a thought really. Was cleaning my room earlier(which is a happening as rare as a solar eclipse mind you) and stumbled upon my speech in a folder along with some other papers.

My little cousin went to the hospital today *gulp*. Dog bit her round the head and she had several bad puntures. I have always hated that dog. He isnt sweet and lovable like my two Labs(oh God I love them XD) but hyper and wild. His name is Ringo Star, and for the longest time, I had no idea who Ringo was. Shows how much I really know huh. XD She is alright now but is on some medications to be sure she doesnt get an infection etc etc etc....

Brother and I are currently addicted to some world war II first person shooters that we borrowed from a good friend, Issac Siojo. The Siojo's are one of two families that us(the Riskins) are still close to. They are the survivors of a large group of friends we had before when we lived here in QC and when of course when mom was still alive.

A very cool Tito of mine is back visiting from the U.S. Gerrard Dacudao. We used to call him Tito Pogi. Back when I was fat(I was really really fat) he hid the cookies from me and I only got some if I promised to call him Tito Pogi every single time I saw him. Can you imagine, a lifetime of calling him that in exchange for one single chocolate cookie? Now who would do that? ...... Okay, Im guilty. I did it. Haha, of course it didnt last forever. It kinda phased out, but it did last pretty long. Shows what happens when you hold eating about all.

Which leads me to something else. Sometimes I get so bored that the most intresting thing I can do in the house is eat. Yes, eating for fun. This is like super bad for me and yet I have been doing it for quite sometime. I feel so...plump although I do not look it yet, I merely feel it. This is a bad habit that I will break. I will only eat during meal times, starting today. Must say that I have done a very good job so far. XD According to a teacher of mine, you need at least something like 21 days to break habit. 1 down, 20 more to go. Wish me luck.

I will allow myself some treats here and there. For example, the chocolate that currently is occupying my mouth. I have really bad self control sometimes, when it comes to my body. Examples, I have a hard time waking up early, or exercising. But I have good self control when it comes to my emotions or my school work. Strange, possessing the qualities in one field yet lacking the same qualities in another slightly different one. Really strange.....

Anyways, I have been having a hard time posting simply because my Dell laptop is like so dead already. Cant use it at all. Using my Aunt's laptop now so thats why I am able to post. Nothing much to do on the computer now a days. There are not even that many people going online to chat with on YM. Bummer really.

Anyways, I think that is enough for now. Till the next time I can steal my Aunt's laptop to use it to make a post then. XD

A Day

2007-04-08T22:08:00.000+09:00

I am a people pleaser. Always have been and it seems that my life has been shaped around this uncontrolable need to make people happy. Make people happy even sometimes at the expensive of my own happiness. Making people happy gives me the greatest joy that I have yet to achive in life. Sometimes doing something in exhange for a smile, or a thanks, or a look of appreciation...That's how it works out alot of the time. Ill do anything to put a smile on a person's face. I am always ready to do favors for my friends and family but sometimes it gets to the point when people already assume that I will do something for them. Sometimes, me helping them with something becomes so normal that they take it for granted. They no long give me that smile and that simple 'thank you' becomes as rare as a polar bear in the Philippines. Thats pretty rare unless you live in Manila Zoo or something. It hurts. All I strive for is to make people happy, to give them joy and yet they do not always see the effort that I put into it or they can not even appreciate it. I do not give a gift and then ask for one in return. I merely ask that my work be aknowledged.

Many people tell me that I should not rely on the views of others. That people's views do not change or shape the kind of person I am. I am secure, as a person in who I am, other people's views have nothing to do with it. I have my personal view on who I am as a person and it is constantly changing. I am constantly moulding it to improve.

The phrase, 'You are the potter I am the clay' comes to mind. God will shape my life and I'll do my best to make this vase something He will be proud of.

Painful missing

2007-04-07T23:03:00.000+09:00

I am not the Nathan Riskin that I was before graduating High School from HEdCen at the Little Farmhouse. That Nathan Riskin was strong, invincible and meaningful in all he did. The Nathan Riskin today April 7,2007 is not strong, he's armor has cracked and he has no purpose.

I am not going emo, although sometimes it may look that way. Emo people look at their life and says it sucks. I have looked at myself and seen that I am not at my best. I know I can do so much more then what I am doing now yet, I am stuck at nothingness. I have not done anything purposful this summer and it is disappointing. I need something to do, something to make me work, to strive for excellence. I have always been an achiver and without anything to achive, I am in trouble.

Summer Break

2007-04-05T15:41:00.000+09:00

What is that which we call a summer vacation? Many people view it as freedom. Others, as fun. Some even view it as "heaven on earth."

But summer vacation has all so different a meaning for me. Summer comes out as a lonely time for me. Not really alot to do but all the time in the world to just think, and think and think and then think some more. What comes out of all this thinking? Nothing that I would be all too willing to talk about.

I need a break, I need Holy Week to finish so I can do something with my friends. I need rescuing.

here we are

2007-04-02T20:24:00.000+09:00

Ah, summer. What a time for laziness to kick in. On the bad side, laziness seems to have a cousin, and they never leave home without the other, boredom.

People problem, actually family problem struck recently, misunderstanding really. You would be surprised by how little sometimes relatives can talk to talk to each other, when they do finally talk, they get everything messed up and then *KABOOM* problems. We have worked it out as proper mature adults (I'm not really an adult but who cares), no screaming, no temper tantrums, no pouting or any of the other things usually associated with fighting. Adult-like-problem-solving. XD

I am still looking for some productive ways to spend my time. Soccer starts in a week and that is something I am dying to come faster.

Not in the mood to write anything meaningful today, maybe tomorrow.

Hmm, to whom it may concern

2007-03-28T17:13:00.000+09:00

Okay, I have decided that my blog needs a bit more color now. From now on, all of my entries will be written in color instead of just black or white.

Putting that aside, I am better already, no more headache and no more fever. However, still kinda bored, no purpose. Wanted to go out and do something. Problem is, the van is getting registered again. The car gets registered once a year and yet it seems to happen when I need it. And I do not really need it that often. What are the odds huh?

Went to David's party last Thursday night. Roughly 2/3 of us former 3rd year 4th years were there so it was pretty. David got us all doing karaoke. Eating, singing, maybe a bit of dancing. XD Just some nice fun. Hehe.

Today is a Saturday and I have nothing planned. Maybe I can go out to the mall and buy some football cleats. Soccer training with Ateneo starts second week of April and my current cleats are a mess.

I need something to do......GRABE!!

Not feeling well

2007-03-27T18:56:00.000+09:00

Not feeling well. Had a headache and fever for most of the day. Wasn't even able to go out to the mall with some of the guys cause of it.

Stayed at home in bed resting. How productive can a person get right?

Anyways...are you a people pleaser? I am, and sometimes, it bites. All I want to do is to be helpful to other people. To make them happy. Making other happy is the most effective way of making myself happy.

But then, there are some people, that no matter how much you try to help them, nothing works. You can not help them and seeing them in trouble pains you so. It hurts not being able to do anything for people you care about. It really does. If I did not care, I wouldn't feel pain. I guess I am really not like that.

All my life, I have worked to become a better person. I have worked to make people proud of me. That's one of my main missions in life. Today, for some reason, I feel I have let them down. I do not know how or why, I just feel it. And how bad it feels. Perhaps, just perhaps, this headache is affecting me more then I thought and these feelings will go away with the headache and fever. Hopefully.

Not doing anything is horrible. You end up thinking of things you would rather not think of. You start visiting memories you would have never wanted to visit again. Its scary. Really scary.

I have always been a kinda emotional guy and every now and then I need a hug. Now's a time for a hug. I feel sort of empty inside, if that makes any sense. During summer, my life does not seem to have a real purpose. During school, I have projects, assignment, reports and the likes but now, I have nothing. I have no purpose and it has hallowed me out inside. Every human being needs a purpose in life, no just during the school days or the vacations. They need a purpose every single day of their lives. I know God has big plans for me, He has put me through so much as a person already that He must have something in mind. I just hope I can see it soon.

I'm still not feeling good so I'll stop this now. Perhaps I'll post something more later or tomorrow. XD

The feelings are still numb

2007-03-26T19:01:00.000+09:00

It has been almost 2 whole days and yet I still miss the guys so much. Things will be easier in awhile, that I am sure of.

Went to school today and picked up my report card. Hung out with Teacher Dawn, Anton and Ana for lunch after that. Great fun just being with them, even if just for awhile.

Going to start planning an outing with the guys, either Tagaytay, Baguio or Alabang. Just as long as we can go hang out. Should be great fun if I can piece together the pieces. Shouldn't be too hard. As soon as Lola gets back from Cagayan, so she can cook us all the food. XD I LOVE MY LOLA!

My dog is always so sick. Its so sad. I love him so much and I hate it that he is unhealthy. He has had such a messed up life. He is so accident prone. He is getting better and now that my ankle is all better, I'll be able to take better care of him. My mom loved that dog even thought she was kinda allergic to him, she always fought past it to walk him every now and then. Pets really are great. They love you no matter what. They love you past all the things you do. Its an amazing feeling. Dogs in particular. I have always had a dog. My whole life. Dogs are always there for you. XD I love my two dogs to pieces.

This song has really gotten my attention. Its an OPM band and the song really applies to alot of what my friends have been going to.

Will You Ever Learn
Typecast

So what's the point in all of this?
When you will never change
The days have passed, The weather's changed
Should I be sorry? Could I be sorry?

I did it all, all for you
Hoping you would see
Your eyes are dull, your hands are clenched
Are we ready? Are we ready?

But you, you think about yourself
Only but yourself
But what about.. .

Un-lonely nights
Romantic moments
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

You know me well, You know it's wrong
Then what is it you feel?
You hide behind those perfect smiles
It won't fool me, cause you already did

I did it all, all for you
Hoping you could see
Your eyes are dull, your hands are clenched
Are we ready? Are we ready?

But you, you think about yourself
Only but yourself
But what about...

Un-lonely nights
Romantic moments
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

The perfect dates
The sweetest kisses
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

So what's the point in all of this?
When you will never change
The days have passed, The weather's changed
Should I be sorry? Could I be sorry?

and it has ended

2007-03-25T09:35:00.000+09:00

Graduated last night. Very emotional, very sentimental. I do not believe I will ever get as many hugs as I did last night. But I will get too that later.

Now how many people get to graduated with a Star Wars theme song huh? After all the 6th grade grads marched down the isle, we were like, 'oh no' here comes us. Us marching with the same old corny ethnic beat that we have been fed for the past several years. All 6th grades walked? Check, our turn, YES. Then suddenly. Star Wars comes blasting and the words come out over the stereo 'our high school grads.' We marched down that isle with that Star Wars song blasting.

That was pretty unique and cool. After we all received our diploma we sat back down. Then there was a special award, I thought that they had tricked us and brought back the leadership award, but no. They had a special recognition of my student council and my contribution to it. I waled onto stage and shook T.Emma's hand as T.Ana talked about all I had done and meant to the school. Before this all started, before the whole grad even began, I promised myself I would not cry. No matter what, now matter how much I missed my parents or how much I knew I would miss my friends. I would not cry. But as T.Ana was talking, I did cry. Just a few tears, but the first of many for tonight. My mom and dad would have been so proud of me and I really wished for them to have been there. I got a couple of hugs from T.Emma and C.Wacky then and there.

The rest of the presentation went well, yes the sound system messed up every now and then but it didn't make the whole event less memorable. Every enjoyed our different videos that us 4th years had made about ourselves. Alot of laughing and smiling. The sang our goodbye 'thanks' song and it sounded nice.

I must give recognition to someone now. Ana Cabungcal worked almost all by herself on a tribute to the 4th years. I did not work on stage because of technical difficulties. THAT DOES NOT MAKE HER WORK ANY LESS AMAZING. Ana worked her butt off and she did a hell of a job. Enrique was right, this video was for us 4th years and maybe it was better that we watched together with the 3rd years, just us guys.

So much hugging, so much crying. I can not even list who I hugged, it was basically anyone who came close enough to me. I would be hugging 4to5 people at a time. Some people who I did even think cared that much came and hugged me crying as well. Really emotional.

I love all this guys so much. They are not even friends for me anymore, they are family. This Hedcen experience has been hella worth it and I am sorry to see it end but the future holds so much for all of us and we will make sure that it is a future where we are all still friends together.

And so it ends

2007-03-23T18:25:00.000+09:00

The end is near. The end of high school I mean. Was eating my snack with Anton in the classroom earlier when we realized, this is our last day of high school. This is the last time we will be eating snacks here together in this classroom. After three years, this is the end.

Three years, looking back it seems so short, like time sped up. Perhaps we were not paying enough attention. Three years, grabe. How things are about to change, scary thought to me, me who rejects change with all his heart.

Am I ready for change? Yes, do I invite it? Not really.

Do you?

The answer is faith

2007-03-18T21:17:00.000+09:00

At some point in or life we ask the question 'why?' This can be followed up by the other question 'well why not?' People are always asking questions and demeaning answers in return. But life isn't always about answers is it? You will not always get what you need or get what you want. You may never get a satisfying answer, but that is life.

But what if we don't need an answer. Sometimes we have just gotta trust that things do happen for a reason and that sometimes it really is better to have that reason hidden from us. Don't we all just need a bit of faith? I am not merely talking about faith in God. We all need this. I am also referring to having faith in people. Faith that someway, somehow what they are doing will make sense and will be good for everyone before the end.

We all need faith. Do you have it?

I know its been a long time

2007-03-16T21:40:00.000+09:00

Once again I have decided to restart writing this blog. It is just something I feel up to doing again. Summer is so close meaning a lot of free time. Guess I might as well put what I do and think somewhere instead of letting them fly off to nowhere.

High school has been quite simply, the best. A lot of things have happened since my last post.

J.S. Prom - Haha, yes yes. Our little school had its first J.S. prom. It actually did not suck, although some people thought it really would. Well, I have never been a party hardy kind of guy so I have absolutely nothing to compare it to. I took Sinag, a long time friend from my swim team days. No romantic attraction anywhere although many people assumed there was. You get to know me and you will see that my principles on such matters are rock solid and there are no exemptions. I will not bore anyone with details but it was interesting. Seeing everyone all dressed up, seeing people trying to be so proper. Everyone was so, not like themselves. I thought it was hilarious. Plus, all the guys look dashing and the girls gorgeous. Great fun really.

Update - I am not again in a cast and crutches. Again I say? Yes, again. After breaking my right foot a few months ago. And after only playing soccer again for a month or so I have injured myself. In non the honorable manner at that. I slipped during P.E. and landed bad on my left ankle. I really did not think it was that bad and that it was just one of those things you could walk off. It wasn't. I know i shouldn't have but I played varsity. I have never been one to do the sensible thing ALL the time. Bad bad idea Nathan. I got through the varsity fine but ankle got all swollen. Bandaged it up for a week and I felt 100% already. Monday comes along and I'm ready to play soccer again. I am standing when my ankle starts burning and swelling. I have snapped a ligament just walking and it's bleeding internally. Cast for two weeks to protect it and to force me to be more careful. I now miss the last festival with the boys by one lousy day. Smart me huh? Haha!

As I write this, for some reason, the neighbors are having fireworks. Haha, it's kinda far from New Years to do that isn't it? Anyways, there is so much to be thankful for but then there is always something to be upset about. There always is but I do try to not let it affect me that much.

There are just a couple of things that have got me, well to put it frankly, ticked off.

Shall I enumerate them:
1) I busted my ankle for no good reason. Haha, there I go thinking I am indestructible. This once again proves how wrong I am huh?

2) There is one person who just loves pushing me to the edge, I would be doing nothing to this person and he/she just loves pushing my buttons in any ways possible. The person is a bad influence and a bully to those around him/her and this gets me upset as it affects not only me but those I care about.

3) There is a, couple you may say that have given me something to think about. They seem intent on acting like infatuated 5th graders which is something I have mixed emotions. Bad - this is immature. Good - at least you are being immature together (people always need the company? X_X)

Well, seems that I have people problem don't I? Well I actually wouldn't have so many of them if I didn't care about them. I mean, if i did not give a damn, who cares right? Guess it is kind of built into me isn't it. So believe it or not, there is more.

4) I know someone else who has had a rough life but instead of trying to fight past these problems, the person has given up and accepted what life has supposedly dumped upon him/her. Living is not accepting just what life gives you but on making the most of it. You had a bad experience, okay, we understand that, everyone has them. But do you really want to walk around sulking forever? Do you not want to enjoy yourself? Relax, let it go...LIVE XD

Thriller by Michael Jackson has just came up on my iTunes. Funny funny song really. Micheal Jackson was okay before he decided to go all weird on the world.

Oh my, I have one more I think...

5) There is another someone, someone who has one of the most negative attitudes in the world. I have been trying to help this person, to help this person through this phase but...it doesn't not seem to be effective. I want to be a help but my help is either rejected or challenged. I have given up trying to be a help although the person has told me they appreciate it. Now you wonder why I want to help in the first place? Cause, it makes me feel good. I am happiest helping people, happiest giving joy to people. That is my nature, it always has. It was the nature of my parents and the nature they brought me up in.

Nothing else comes to mind at the moment but since I do have this blog up and running again I guess I can write another entry about it.

I have listed those things that I am...distressed about but what about those things I am thankful for?

Well, there is no way that a blog entry could contain my thanks. God knows I am, and that works for me.

Till next time it is then. ^_~

so close

2007-02-03T15:58:00.000+09:00

Marist vs HedCen 2-2.

Take a look at that. We were really so close. They goaled on us first. Normally that is it, we lose. Thats what we used to think. Right after we equalized from a free kick by Justine that hit the post and was rebounded by Jomar. Jomars effort hit the top crossbar and in.

Soon after, I got a left volley after a lay off header from Riks which was deflected, right toward me inside the box. I took it first touch side volley with my right foot to put us ahead. Beautiful curved shot to the side.

We went in like that 2-1 to half time. After that, our stamina, or lack of it became evident. Plays couldnt run that much and that really was our downfall.

Zach, after a wonderful game got an unlucky handball inside the box. Penalty, Marist, equalizer.

I missed a one on one from a tight angle, from something I made out of nothing but still. I should have done better.

Ended there 2-2. Sayang. Next game will be better and Ill have something better to write about here.

After all

2007-01-28T10:08:00.000+09:00

Its been awhile. I havent been feeling all too well the past couple of days. Got sick after Bataan.

Oh yes, Bataan. It was great fun, even with the first years. I dont really talk to most of them, only a select few but this trip opened my eyes. Opened them to see what are a great bunch of people these first years are. It also opened my eyes to a couple of 'things' with other people. More people problem for me. Hehe, always seems to be that way huh.

It was my mom's birthday yesterday. Really...sad actually. Its been so long already since she passed away, and yet I havent healed. I still feel empty sometimes. Like on special days, like her birthday. The class watched a play in Ateneo. The Glass Menagerie. It was very well put together and was great fun to watch. I did cry a bit at the end. Got a bit emotional. The narrator talked of letting go, but for me, Im never going to be ready to let go of my mom.

Haha, lets move on shall we? Anyways, I missed the hat trick for college. Only got into Ateneo and La Salle. Not to bad I guess. It will do. Alot of people are proud of me and Im glad I was able to do that for them. XD

After a long time

2007-01-14T19:14:00.000+09:00

Well, it has been a long time hasn't it. School started Jan the 3rd and I started playing soccer again too (against doctor's advise I might add).

I can play, but I am not nearly 100%. I'm slower, I cant run as long, cant kick as hard, cant challenge tackles and I'm not even close to being agile anymore, in other words...I SUCK! Haha, even though I'm sucky, I have got two of my best goals of this school year. In the first week since I started playing again. Not too shabby huh. XD

First was during a varsity game. Scored versus Junichi. I lached onto a bad pass by Sam. Took it forward a bit and unleashed a long ranged bullet shot toward the far side of the goal. It hit the inside of the post, flew across goal and entered the other side of the goal. All Junichi could do was watch. XD Don't get me wrong, Junichi is an amazing goalie, but it was like one of my most perfect shots ever. XD

The other one was a another bullet shot but this time a right footed volley. It was another perfect strike. Going goal bound, a sure goal. It took a double deflection but it still look so cool. It was like pin ball then suddenly it was in the back of the net. XD

People problem has hit me once again. Really a bummer. I am a people pleaser by nature but then again, as everyone keeps on telling me, its impossible to please everyone. And then sometimes in the end, I can't even please myself.

Enough there, almost going emo. Swt, that would be scary. An emo Nathan. Kadriri. XD

Upon further relfection

2006-12-21T19:33:00.000+09:00

Well, whats happened these past few days...nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. XD Got the splint of my foot and starting to walk. Noticable limp and I need the use of cruches once in awhile when it starts to hurt too much. Couple of more weeks and Ill be back to normal, finally. XD

Been feeling really tired lately, strange considering I havent been doing anything physical (unless the finger motions associated with playing XBox count). Guess its just one of those times really. Gonna try to get together with some friends tomorrow and just hang out. Should be a lovely little break from the regular squedule of bumming 24/7. Hey, Im not lazy or anything, I just cant really go anywheres. Still on the disabled list and must act as such. My body isnt up for it yet. Gotta sacrifice my Christmas Break to boredom so as to let my body recover just a bit more. Being able to play soccer will even it out and make it worth it in the end. I hope...if I end up so bano, grr, sadness. Haha, but I doubt that. Pretty sure I cant kick the crap out of my friends as I always have (this is a taunt and has no basis in reality XD). Dont mind me, losing my brain to this...nothingness which have become my Christmas Break days.

Really happy despite everything and I cant stop myself from smiling or laughing, even at the most corny thing ever. XD

Going crazy here! Someone save me! LAWL XD

Boredom day 2

2006-12-19T17:38:00.000+09:00

Still havent done anything relatively productive with my Christmas vacation. Still that ordinary everyday bum.

So I guess I shouldnt talk about what Ive been doing (cause its nothing so far). Maybe Ill talk about what I think (kinda limited now a days but what the heck XD). My life has been fairly enjoyable although everthing is tainted cause of my busted foot. If I could just be play soccer, heaven. XD. Its been almost a whole month! Can you imagine?

Makes you realize how fast time flies. Its already the 3rd trim of school, of my last year in HS. Its almost over. Im going to leave all this behind. Everything Im acustom to will disappear. Ill have to start over and God knows how much I hate having to do that.

Prom is getting closer and closer. In the senior and junior batch there are 6 girls but twice the guys. And everyone is REQUIRED to have a date. Oh my, what a strange night we will have. I dont feel...right, going out with any of the girls in my batch, I feel so close to them. Going to something like this will feel weird with anyone of them. Its like me going with Naomi, its like going out with family. A few of my guy friends already have ideas of who to ask from outside school. I dont really know anyone from outside school to ask. So Ive kinda hit a roadblock havent I? Good friend of mine is trying to hook me up with our mutual friend. She kept on bugging me about it and I finally agreed to keep my options 'open.' I guess it would be okay if I went with this person, it might even be fun. Who knows I guess huh? XD

Lets just see how things go. XD

Mixed feelings

2006-12-18T18:00:00.000+09:00

So, I guess Ill talk about what happened yesterday. Our christmas presentation went very well. So very very thankful for that but what can I say, my student council staff were amazing and all credit goes to them.

We all sang wonderfully and everyone seemed to really enjoy. It was an overly good experience and it made for good bonding. XD

After that, us 3rd and 4th years all went to megamall for a bonding session. Our car, consisting of Sir H, David, Jirah, Zach, Kevin and myself arrived earlier then everyone else. So what did we do? Arcade! Woot~! Woot~! XD TIME CRISIS II, havent played in years, but then again neither has Sir H, we both did pretty good and it was great fun. Thing was, it was a quick cash burner *gulp* but it was worth it to see Sir H's lighter side.

Everyone went ice skating after while I was relgated to watch the bags (still got that broken foot, depressing). Everyone was having so much fun and all I could do was watch them....felt really bad and lonely but didnt want to spoil their fun. So there I was, listening to an iPod I stole from Kevs while humming songs to myself. Ended up thinking alot and starting feeling really bad for myself. Dont really know why. Felt really sad and so so alone, sitting there on the bench.
Starting feeling all these mixed feelings, dont really want to talk about them though cause it might come out all strange. You ever feel that your life is defined by all these parameters? That you will only ever be this kind of person. People will only see you as this kind of person? That happens to me alot, Im not complaining, its just frustrating sometimes. Wanting to be something else or something else but confinded by the box people stick you in. XD

Couple of more weeks and I can play soccer again, hopefully. Fingers crossed. Hoping, praying. Its been only like not even a day since I last saw my friends and I miss them already. XD Im such a wuss. Hehe~

What a week~

2006-12-16T14:28:00.000+09:00

Having been feeling up to par lately. Not really sure why though. Maybe cause I still cant play soccer. Maybe cause I hate feeling disabled. Or maybe its cause of....well I cant think of anything really. XD

Spent the whole week practicing on our Christmas presentation and I must say we sound impressive. I had no idea we could sound so good. But of course, thats from my point of view. Last day of school already tomorrow and as the end approachs, a mixture of feelings come over me. I feel, sad mostly. I dont feel that I am actually ready for college yet. Maybe Im just scared. It takes time for me to feel comfortable in a new place with new people. Ive never really been a people person (although many people will not believe that) and I am actually quite shy. A new school with thousands of new people. Oh my, thats my worst new nightmare. And its coming closer and closer to being a reality, college *gulps*.

Im really going to miss all these friends Ive made. Alot of people say the friends you make in high school are the ones that stick with you, I hope this is true but it really wont be the same, not seeing every single day. Not sharing each and every experience with them.

Although many bad things are happening to me lately, I am actually happier then I have been in so so long. And its cause of my school, my teachers, my family and my friends. So many people who love me so much and me the same to them. Hopefully college wont be too bad. XD

And its still not too good...

2006-12-10T18:25:00.000+09:00

Life's been a bum to me really. Not really into it today. Tests tomorrow and its raining.

Usually the rain makes me happy, I really enjoy the rain but right now, to me, its a curse. I cant get my foot wet cause of the splint. Really sucks cause I love being out in the rain. Its a wonderful liberating feeling. People always say stay out of the rain, you'll get sick but sometimes you take a chance, just to brake the rules and risk getting sicks just to have that special moment when everything feels cool and perfect. Thats what the rain can do to me. Funny how things can change from a blessing to a curse in no time at all.

Zach and them had a soccer festival today, I watched it and they did pretty well. 3rd place, which is a big improvment for us. It did rain and for some reason, I decided to defy the rules just this once more, even with my splint. Now Im feeling a bit feverish but I gladly paid the cost, just to see the boys play and to root them on. I want to play soccer so so badly. I want to be there for my team, not on the sidelines in the rain wishing, just wishing and not doing. Wishing is nothing compared to actually doing something. Sigh, so 'emo' huh? Hehe, nope, dont think so. XD

Gotta study for a test tomorrow, Geology *gulp*, not my favorite test. I do well most of the time (no idea how) but its really alot of work to study, and today is not a day for hard work. Today should be a day to bum! Im a bum! Woot~Woot~!!!

I want to be a bum but then I cant. My parents always go through my head everytime I want to slack off. My parents always pushed me way past my limits and its cause of them I have grown to be the person I am now. I love them for that and therefore can not bum off, not now and not never.

Guess that means I should get going huh? XD

And the end is in sight XD

2006-12-08T17:26:00.000+09:00

All my tests are almost done. Just one last, Geology *gulp*. Its not that I have a hard time with geo, I actually get pretty good grades in it, its just that its so much memorization and stuff. So many terms plus, Im kinda too lazy to study all that much. Okay, its my fault too but come on, rocks...how...intresting. LAWL.

Ive done pretty well in all my tests so far (big relief).

People problem, I am so close to knocking off this guys head. So freaking close...I would have already, if I wasnt still injured (yup, still injured even till now *sigh*). Plus, its cause of this injury that hes pissing me off. Cause he knows I cant get back at him...YET. Just you wait punk.

I feel that for some reason, my friendship with two people whom were very close to me kinda...went back in time. As in, to when we first met. There is an akwardness between us, and I dont understand why they do this to me. I havent done anything, Ive just been myself and thats always been enough. Am I suddenly not good enough for you people? Hmm? Hmm?

Sigh, people will be people. Just gotta get by them. XD

And the rain went where?

2006-12-03T16:57:00.000+09:00

The big typoon cancelled school and then a holiday followed. 4 days of no school! Woot woot! Time for play, fun and maybe a bit of studying.

Ended up just being a big bum. Haha, didnt study that much and now I am cramming. Guess thats just how I am. Crammer crammer crammer. LAWL XD

And it seems to get worse...

2006-11-29T15:28:00.000+09:00

At first they said one month till i could play. One whole month without soccer. This is my last year in HS and its my last year in preparation for college. I want to get to the varsity team and i needed this year to improve. I really have started to improve especially this last few weeks. Getting inured was the very last thing i needed. But here i am, unjured for a month.

I just got back from the doctor, a more experienced doctor then the first one. He told me, anywhere from 2 to three months of recovery!?! Thats the rest of my 4th year! There goes my dream of playing soccer for college. I dont know if i can get myself back up to speed when i get back to playing after 2 months. All i wanted to do was play soccer. Now look what has happened to me. Bad things happening to good people. What a world we live in. Sigh...

Lets just say, it wasnt pretty...

2006-11-27T17:33:00.000+09:00

We lost our game. 5-0. Pretty bad. But thats not the really bad part. During the first 5 mins, I was given a yellow card, one i didnt deserve. I gave the cross and the guy ran into me, and I fell onto him, and they said it was my fault! I was cheated! About 10mins later i saw a gap in their defense and I got a 1on1 with the keeper. He slide on me and i couldnt get out of the way fast enough. He slide on my right foot pretty badly and i ended up with a fracture. Now I cant play soccer for at least a month. I will miss the better half of our season. And I feel really really bad.

I hate this, Im in a splint and I need cruches. Bad timing. Haha XD

Soccer night eve

2006-11-25T20:43:00.000+09:00

Tomorrow morning we have our first match in the 2nd division of RIFA. We face Clariet, a very good team which has hit a slump and has yet to win a game. They face us, HedCen. A team of underaged players with spirit. We have also yet to win a game. We are shorter, younger, less experienced and are the aparent underdogs. The last time we fought them we lost 4-0. But alot has happened to us since them. We have grown as a team and have learned so much.

We face them tomorrow, still shorter, still younger, and still less experienced but maybe we are more determined. Maybe we've got my spirit then they can take. We have a new line up and we have a new determination. Our school is fairly well known in soccer due to their other divisions. All the other divisions are champions and us high schoolers are the 'losers.' Not tonight we are, not for this game. We will pull through with all that we have as people. And maybe we can bring back to school a win, when everyone else just saw a failure. Maybe, just maybe.

Another week...swt MATH WEEK

2006-11-19T11:24:00.000+09:00

It was math week this past week. Another boring and lame excuse for a school activity. Lawl. Really boring week except for the fact that it was one of my best soccer week ever! I played so well today. I had a couple of my best games of my whole life. ^_^

Skipping soccer...math week was a bummer mostly. Got eliminated for the quiz bee by a fluke question which was very questionable. Grr, so upsetting. The math race went so much better. Enrique, Emilio and I owned ALL! We were the first to finish the race for the high school and we even passed the grade school team which started 20mins before us...Lawl. Bad thing was, I got a case of heatstroke and got so sick. Here I am a few days later, still recovering from it.

What a life I live, soccer, school, sickness...XD

Today as always

2006-11-09T22:22:00.000+09:00

Today was your typical day although I was not feeling up to speed. Felt really irriated at something, well a couple of things and it ticked me off the whole day.

People have not seen me REALLY mad. People have seen me upset, pissed or ticked off but no one in school at least has seen me truly mad. I can go beserk and I can really be dangerous if angered which is why I bottle myself up so much. My temper is something inherited and something overpowering. That combinded with my size is really scary, even to me. I used to not be able to control myself and when i couldnt, all hell could break lose.

It has happened in the past and I never wish for it to happen again.

Feeling Sick

2006-11-05T22:05:00.000+09:00

Oh my, feeling really terrible. I have this bad cold and headache. I can deal with all the coughing and the runny nose but the headache is unbareable! Hoping I'll be well enough to go to school tomorrow...

BTW I changed my blog skin all by myself. La lang...LOLZ

Really long time

2006-11-03T19:10:00.000+09:00

Well it has really been a long time since I have been able to sit myself down and write something about me. I doubt anyone reads my blog (I mean come on, like my life is intresting) but tonight I just feel like typing something.

Update on me, well, we have moved into our realtives house in Q.C. It's really crowded and at first I was determined to hate being here. But after awhile it felt kinda good to be around all these people who love me so dearly. I wont say I enjoy living here, but it isnt hell after all.

Its sem break now and my days are filled with stress. I mean, sem break is supposed to be a rest time but no, somehow I have to find a way to fill it with stress. This stress will be the death of me someday. I got this trip together to go to Alabang for a group of friends. It was really a blast and things went really well. Of course things werent perfect but I mean, no one gets the perfect vacation after all huh.

The people I went with really mean alot to me. These are some of the guys who have always been there for me. I only hope I can be as great a pal as they have been to me. A big realization hit me a few days ago, I am a full blown 'kuya'. It has now become my official occupation. Im a kuya for life. Im not going to complain but sometimes the responsibility is overwhelming. I try to help people, all I want to do is make people happy but it doenst always work out that way. Sometimes you see people doing things you know might hurt them and no matter how hard you try to help that person, you fail. That person does what you fear they would and things turned out really bad. There you are and you end up comforting this person. You try being the best friend you can be but this person is still miserable. You end up feeling, 'am I not strong enough?' "Can I not help this person whom I love?' You end up feeling sad and depressed but you are not allowed to show it. Why? Cause you are the kuya, you are that person that other people look up to. Sometimes people need a role model and when circumstances dicatate that you must be that role model, you must be ready to do that job, because people need you then and there.

One teacher told me something I will never forget. 'Everyone must be a leader in potential.' What could this mean huh? It means that leaders dont choose to be leaders. Okay maybe some do, but these are not the real leaders, these arent the heros that inspire people. Real leaders, real heros are born from circumstances that make them into who they are. Everyone must be ready to become the next William Wallace, the next Joan of Arc or the next Ghandi. YOU must be ready, no matter how when or why, to be that leader that the people need right then and there...

Well, then and there I was there for my friend. And still things arent going that well. You know what? I will never stop being there for my friends cause you will only have friends as long as you are willing to stay by their side.

P.S.-my blog skin is Paris Hilton cause ANA is crazy and wants to make me look like a fool! But Paris isnt that bad naman eh!!! Woot Woot~!!!

Rain rain go away...

2006-07-24T14:19:00.000+09:00

This rain is killing me. It wont stop. Okay, not having school is cool but being able to play soccer is so much better. I would gladly go to school if I could play some soccer. We had a festival last Saturday, we did alright. After the game, and alot of thinking, I thought alot about how I could improve my soccer game. Man, I am itching to play soccer and this rain is just bumming me out now....

Well hasnt it been a long time....

2006-07-22T23:35:00.000+09:00

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog huh. Well, I have decided to start doing it again, doenst matter if someone reads it or not, I'm gonna start it again.

Have you ever felt like you have lost your 'drive' in life? That's what's going on in my life now. I dont feel 'driven,' if that makes any sense. I dont feel like I relaly need to do anything. My mom was always the one who motivated me to do my best and to do everything I could do to get something done. But now I cant find a way to concentrate. My mind drifts, I cant control it. My grades are 'okay' but the thing is, I have never been a guy with 'okay' grades. I have always been top, I have always been the best in what I do and what makes it better is that I really worked hard for it. But now, with my 'okay' grades, I realize that I also deserve this. I cant keep my mind focused on anything. 'Please Lord help me now!' I need to get better grades, just hearing someone else's name being called out for being top in a test makes me so upset. I get so dissapointed in myself. I can do better, I know it, and my mom knew it too. Thats why she always pushed me, and thats why I always excelled in what I did in life.

I have made a promise to myself, to push myself to the limit. I cannot let this continue. My mom must be dissapointed in me, that always comes to mind. I cant let her down. But, Im trying my best and Im still having a hard time. Everytime I start thinking, pictures of mom come to me. Not the good times, or even the bad, but the worst ones of her so frail in the hospital emergency room.

Can you even think of seeing the person you love the most, the one who has taken care of you through everything, the one whom you would die for, the one who was the pillar of strength that help you up....so sick, helpless, and there is nothing you can do. Can you even? Now do it twice. That has been my life. Imagine change homes, friends and schools. Leaving the people and thinks that make you feel most comfortable. Now imagine doing it half a dozen times. That has been my life. Can you even imagine?

'Dear God, help me Lord. Please, I beg of you...'

Death is just another step...

2006-05-18T07:32:00.000+09:00

Well, I havent been updating my blog in quite sometime. I really doubt anyone really reads is anyways. One of the main reason I started this blog was so I could practice my writing skills. It was mostly my mom's idea.

About my mom, she passed away last May 11. That is why I havent updated in awhile. I have been busying being with her and worrying for her. I would rather not write about what happened cause it pains me too much. My mom has had cancer for the longest time. We thought she was getting better, we thought so too. She died fighting for life, a life in which she would see her children grow up. She may not be with us, guiding us, but I still feel her. And I am gonna make her hella proud. My mom had to deal with the painful death of my father. She deserved to see their children grow up and we deserved to have our mother.

It is at times like these that I question my God. I know I shouldnt but I cant help it. I prayed so hard for Him to make my mom better. At one point she was but looking back, all it ave us was false hope. And I clung to that hope, so happy that my mom was gonna make it, so happy cause my mom was gonna be with us till we got older. But it didnt happen that way. Everyone says, 'God has a plan.' Im sure it wouldnt have been that hard for Him to include mom in that great plan of us. When I cry out to Him asking that universal question, 'WHY?' I dont feel Him, he doesnt seem to answer. I shouldnt doubt, and I dont, my faith has merely been shaken. Im not mad at God, I just dont understand Him. How can it be that after everything that has happened to our family, He doesnt seem there. Everything feels empty.

People have been telling me how much my mom loved us. Truth be told, I dont need them to tell me that, my mom loved us so much and she showed it to us every moment she was alive. My mom didnt just love us, she had enough love to give to everyone else. My mom made people feel special in a way they couldnt describe but we always loved her for that.

The word, 'condolence' has been thrown at me by everyone. This word means nothing to me. Instead of saying, 'I'm sorry,' 'We all loved your mom,' 'We are gonna miss her,' or something like that, they just say that one word, 'condolence.' As if its supposed to sum up my moms whole life into this one big word. Its nothing, I hate this word. People throw it around but guess what, it doesnt make the person feel better. It really doenst, get rid of it, dont use it ever again and if you use it on me, just wait and see what happens.

How am I dealing with this? I guess Im still in shock. Its like my mom is on a vacation. Maybe of to the beach having fun diving. Or maybe is she is relaxing down in the farm in Cagayan. I always expect her to come through the door. I always thing Ill wake up and see her asleep on the bed. But then it hits me, she isnt coming home. I wont see her again.

When that realization strikes me, I dont know if I can go on. I loved my mom so much and I would have been more then willing, I would have begged and I did, to have been the one dying instead of her. She has gone through so much and she deserved to see us grow up. Even if I died instead of her, she could have taken care of my sister and brother. I dont deserve to live. And when I think about her not coming home, I want to die. I want to leave this messed up place and go home to my dad and mom. I dont want to stay here. Pictures and thoughts of my mom are all that enters my head. When she has in the Intensive Care Unit, with all these tubes and wires helping her fight, she was awake and I was talking to her. I just started crying and telling her how much I wanted to die instead of her. Take me God, just not my dear mother. She started shaking her head and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she disagreed. She thought my life was worth dying for and she did. She died figthing for us, she never gave up till the end. And I love her for that. I will never use the past tense for my mom. She is still here, she still loves us, no matter where she is.

Fear of water...

2006-04-29T08:35:00.000+09:00

I have come back from my check-out dive in San Juan Batangas. It was great and I checked out alright. I am not a certified diver. I must say, my first dive was very...special(not sure if this is the right word). Well, it goes like this. We got all our SCUBA stuff ready, tank, BC, the like. I finally got into my wetsuit, it was quite the challenge. So i finally got into it. Before I got in, of course i made a last minute bathroom stop. Kinda hard to go when you in the suit. The dive master said drink alot of water cause you cant drink the salt water in the ocean(duh). So I drank alot. The briefing took a long time and we were delayed even more cause on of our classmates, Love, is terrifed of the water. She refused to enter the ocean. She had been taunted her whole life that she would die in water. Then why did you take up SCUBA diving? We asked this to ourselves as we saw her refusing to enter the water. We eventually left her and went down. Being underwater is amazing and I love it.

I did have a slight problem, because of all the long delays and all the water I drank before going down, I kinda had to pee. Very bad timing, we just went underwater for the first time and I had to pee. Well, I just kept it in and did what we had to do. We practiced some exercises first. When the diver master and I surfaced during one exercise, I told him how badly I needed to pee. He said, just do it, its the ocean. Well, I tried. But I couldnt. I dont understand. I can not pee if it is not in the proper place. I cant pee on walls or in the outdoors, I just cant do it. Cant explain why. So I went down again. Keeping it in. Man, it was painful already. It really hurt. Had a hard time concentrating. Maybe another 30mins later, I couldnt take it. I grabbed the dive master, and gave him the 'Im not okay' signal. We surfaced and he asked what the problem was, I told him, 'Sir, I cant pee.' He is like 'Oh.' He made me take of all my equipment and stripped my wetsiut down to my waist. I still couldnt go. He said, 'pee here cause the closest bathroom is over there,' he said as he pointed back to shore. I then put my equipment and used my swimming team skills ans swan fast as hell back to shore. Ran up on shore with my tank and everything, screamed at one of the boys to help me get the damn thing off me. Ran to the bathroom and then...heaven. Wahaha, great feeling being able to relieve yourself after such pain.

Man, that was the talk of the day, everyone laughing cause my first dive was ended cause I had to pee....O_O

We had several more dives, mostly uneventful. Except maybe for the last, which was just skin diving. We were practicing our rescue exercises. My partner and I did alot of exercises including how to deal with cramps. As I was helping him with one, he was pretending to be out cold and I was to drag him to shore. Suddenly I got a painful cramp in my right leg. I grabbed him and shook him. Then he realized I was having cramps. Then we used the cramp realxing exercise we practiced a few minutes ago. 'Practical Application' we both laughed to each other.

Now Love, is quite the character. We had 3 dives that day. She refused to go down on the first. On the second, she took 30mins more then us to settle down. She stayed right next to the dive master. And was grabbing his hand the whole time. When we got on shore after that, we all saw taht she had actually deformed a ring the diver master was wearing cause she was holding him to hard. The third dive was just skin diving so we were just on the surface. She had a hard time there. The fourth day, she wasnt allowed to go cause she would slow down the rest of us. It was a dive in open water and we didnt think that she could take it. Not only didnt she have a decent dive, she was the only one to fail the written exam, the only one to fail the course and she lost her cell phone as well. I was her dive buddy and she kept on blamming me for not being more supportive blah blah. What an abusive young lady. I was doing my best and being a perfect gentleman, then she keeps on making 'utos'. Nathan do this, Nathan do that. Grrr...sufficent to say, I wasnt exactly sad when I learned she didnt pass the course.

Thats my diving story. Watch out world, a new diver is coming...

My Birthday...

2006-04-23T23:13:00.000+09:00

I wasnt able to post yesterday cause it was my birthday and I was everywhere. I was in QC the whole morning with relatives and then I went to someone elses birthday party. We share the same birthday Erica and I. Then her brother, Wacky, has the same birthday as my brother Zach. How cool is that? Haha.

I wont really talk about the day itself. It really is jsut a day. Nothing really important. What is important is what I have experienced in this last year. The feeling of being 16 is sinking in. There seems to be a great gap between the years of 15 and 16. I feel that deep down inside that Im too young to be 16. I guess im really 'totoy' at heart. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad one but it is a party of what I am. Ill grow out of it im sure but for now, I enjoy being just a kid. Having fun. Who really wants to grow up being so stiff. Alot of people are like that, so stiff they cant have fun. I have pity on them. You gotta have fun. One chance is all you get at life and you must learn to relax once in awhile.

My family has always been there for me and I love them for that. You cant choose your family they say and Im so blessed that I have the ones I have. We argue alot and fight but we really love each other. Thank you Lord for my family, my friends, my blessings and for being me!

Diving, the new experience...

2006-04-22T00:38:00.000+09:00

My mom has suggested that I start diving lessons. At first I resisted because: 1. Its something new. 2. Its far. 3. Im a lazy bum. After she got me to do it. It isnt that bad actually. All I have had are lectures, I havent even been in the water yet, but Im enjoying it.

This thing was also suppsed to get me to meet new people. I have and they are all girls and are 10years older then me. So I end up kinda being out of place among them. I just hang out with my driver during breaks.

I have learned so much about the ocean just from the lectures and makes me reaffirm my support for the enviroment. So many things die and are lost forever and we never knew about them. How can we let that happen? The dive company im working with live by, 'Prevention by Knowledege.' The more we know, the more we can prevent these things from happening...

I think this has a very good meaning...

If I had one wish...

2006-04-19T20:53:00.000+09:00

If you had one wish, what would you wish for? A quadtrillion dollars? World peace? An infinite suppy of ice cream?

You wanna know what I would wish for? A little time with my father again. Just a few minutes maybe. Why? To say Im sorry...

I wasnt the best son when he was around. I was too stubborn most of the time to listen to his wisdom. And he was pretty much the same. We both had strong personalities. I never got to say goodbye. Standing over his coffin at his burial crying isnt a proper fairwell....

If only...

My class...

2006-04-18T10:32:00.000+09:00

I havent had the time to post lately because I have kinda been upset by somethings. But I dont think this is the place to discuss them.

The feeling that has been with me since summer has started is that I miss my classmates. Well most of them at least. Our 3rd year class consists of just 6 students so we needed to join another batch(the 2nd years) to make a decent class size. Ill talk about my 3rd year classmates, my batchmates.

Kevin: I gotta talk about him first because he is my buddy. He was always there for me and I was always there for him. We usually have a fight/heated discuassion everday because we both happen to be quite opinionated. But in the end we just end up laughing and forgiving each other. Kevin is a labies man. Chicker to si Kevin(oh my, my first use of tagalog on my blog O_O). I mean, hes handsome, atheletic, hes a gentleman(he got that from me hehe) and is very sweet. His biggest asset must be his Orange and Lemons hair. Gotta love Kevin.

Enrique: The heartthrob of Antipolo. Now, I do not know what girls find in this guy. I happen to think he is one of the most goofy acting and looking people out there. He is completely passive and just lets things pass him by. Enrique can also be one of the most fun guys to be with. Hes a diver and I kinda look up to him for that. He must eat the best food every day at his house yet I dont know how he can stomach the canteen food. And he is the only one who eats there! Hehe. Riks is quite the character but you have to meet him in person to really understand how strange and unique he is.

Japhet: Now Japhet is the shortest person I have meet with a big personality. Japhet is our president and he takes charge perfectly whenever it is ask of him. He doenst complain(something I need to work on) and he is sweet. Japs is quite the shy person around other people but it adds to his charm. I happen to be with him the most cause Im always at his house bumming around. Jahpet is a excellent public speaker and he beat me in the race for Student Council President. Instead of being upset, I was so proud of him. He has grown from a shy little boy into a confident young man, who is never scared to give you his opinion.

Anton: I must say, Anton adds the spice to all our lives. He lives to make that joke. To pull that prank and to give the freakish smile. But dont you go thinking that since he jokes he doesnt do well in his studies. This Anton gives me a run for my money every single test. I did beat him but just by a bit. We shook each others hands after. Anton is the one I in our class that i go to when I need to confine in someone.

Hmm, thats my class. These guys have made life worth living.

I scream for something rather cold...

2006-04-15T19:50:00.000+09:00

What kind of day is it when the highlight is of eating ice cream? Man, I cant seem to do anything worth doing. Bascily I sleep, eat, watch Tv and use the PC. The occasionaly book reading here and there but asides from that, I AM A COMPLETE 100% BUM!

My birthday is coming up, the 22nd. Earth Day. I dont know what Ill do for it. Most years I get very upset during special time like these, both holidays and birthdays alike. Why you might wonder, well, I quite simply miss my father. He died when I was only around 7 years old. I barely remember him anymore but what I do remember is enough. I drag myself onward with just a fragment of my father left within me. Questions always come to me during times like this. Is he proud of me? Would he even approve of what I have done? Im going to college soon and my father wont be there to see his eldest son graduate. What a pity, I would have loved to have him there.

My relationship with my dad was never perfect, no ones it but it was filled with love. I loved my dad, so so much but my love paled in comarison to how much he loved me in return.

I remember exactly how i learned that he had died. My father had cancer, Im not sure what kind. He had it for the longest time. Our family worked so hard to get enough money to get the best cancer sugeron in the country for my father. To heal him, to save him. But the surgeon was over confident, he was the best and he thought that he didnt need to prepare himself as much as he should have. He messed up and he couldnt fix it. My father bled to death in that hospital with my mom at his side.

The last time I saw my father alive, he was waving as he left in the car for the hospital for the sugery that would give us our wonderful father back again. I was home sick from school and I was still a little boy back then. I was still in my pajamas cause I was just home and I didnt see the need to change. Our family friend took me aside, and then told me, 'Nathan, your father has passed away.' Now understand here, I didnt understand what the term 'passed away' really meant. But I recalled a movie I had watched the previous night, it used the same phrase when a person had died. It dawned on me, my dad was dead. And there was nothing we could do about it....

Sorry, this is getting painful, maybe Illl finish this story another time....

Good Friday, what's next? Super Saturday?

2006-04-14T20:47:00.000+09:00

Another day really doing nothing. The highlight of my day was Junichi coming over to collect something I owe him. Zach, Juju and I took a nice walk to the store and just bummed out. Had a nice chat really. And I learned somethings that...well lets just say, disturb me.

For one, some of the first years arent going to second year, they are repeating. And they arent the people I thought they would be. I wont mention any names. Repeating a year level is hard, happened to me(but for much different reasons). This must be a lesson to these guys.

I have nothing really to say right now, so Ill say what Im doing. Listening to a song I must learn very well. 'One and Only You,' by Parokya ni Edgar. Looks like I have gotten myself into a dare that I cant get out of. I know someone reading this will be giggling when she reads this.

Next to my laptop is a drawing of my sister done by Sir Roi for my sisters birthday. She is staying with my relatives in the city with all her girl cousins. I must say I am beginning to miss her. But shhh, thats a secert. If she finds that out, she will never let me hear the end of it. You never know what you have till its gone(or in this case, gone for awhile). You have to enjoy the company of those around you cause you dont know how long you have with them. How must time we really have is all a mystery. Our loved ones will not always be here. They will be gone even if we dont like it. I lost my father at a young age and it has made me realize how we need to maximize the time we spend with our loved ones. I enjoy quality over quantity. A few minutes used to take something out can do wonders. Words of wisdom here and there can make a world of difference.

What the heck am I babbling about now...

Holy Thursday...relatives, relatives and more relatives

2006-04-14T00:54:00.000+09:00

Holy Thursday. Traffic, closed shops and the likes. Hmm, not that great for us. Had one set of relatives come over. Got alot of little kids running everwhere. I have been thinking alot lately(woah, change of pace). What do I think about you may wonder? Well, alot of thinks but now adays it is usually linked somehow to what I'll be doing in a years time. I'm gonna enter 4th year at my beloved little school. My last year there and most likely the last year with a great bunch of people.

To understand what a great bunch of guys they are, you gotta understand something about my past. Dang, a history lesson out of me? Haha. Well, I went to regular school from kindergarden till grade 2. Grade 3-4 were home schooled. Normal school again from grades 4-6. But we never really fit in. The filipinos there wouldnt really accept my brother and I. No real friends the whole time we were there. Homeschooled again for Year 1 of highschool. I have had no real friends in the longest time. Then for 2nd year, I was pushed into this school(not really my choice) and mixed with a group of people I have grown so attached too. I look at them as my family. They are the only friends I have and I cherish them so. Maybe they dont realize how much I really care for them.

Man, I dont wanna leave them. I really dont. Not sure what Im gonna do.

Its getting late, maybe Ill finish this train of thought another time...

First post EVER ... bare with me please

2006-04-12T10:19:00.000+09:00

Okay, here goes...

Hmm, why am I doing this you may ask? Well, its summer now in the Philippines and it is hot. The heat is sucking all the energy out of me. I can't go out alot cause my mom needs the car and driver around 70% of the time. So I am more or less stuck at home. With just my brother for company. Where is my sister? She is staying with her cousins down in Q.C. Well, they are all my cousins too but they are all younger girls, perfect for Naomi but Zach and I (being the only boys) are always out of place. Zach is really cool and I love him, but being with him 24/7 for like a week is getting on my nerves.

Wait, I'm getting of track maybe. Okay, why am I doing this? Well, I'm bored. Got nothing better to do. Some of my friends have blogs and I enjoy reading them, I don't know if anyone will enjoy hearing what I have to say, but this blog is also a good way to practice my writing skills without school. Don't wanna get stale now do I?

Hehe, so, what should I write? What does one write in a blog? Well, I guess I'll write about something I have been thinking about lately. Last week we (meaning Zach and I) were hanging out with Wacky and his three other cousin's, Pepe, Paco and Paolo. Woah! All those freaking P's. Hmm, why is Wacky W then? Anyways, hanging out with them really made me miss hanging out with boys cousins. All my boy cousins are in the U.S. While all my girl cousins are here in the Philippines. Sigh, how great is that(just a touch of sarcasim). Well, instead of cool cousins, we had cool Titos but now they also in the U.S. Sob sob, I just had a chat with him over YM this morning. Just talking to him made me feel good. Man I miss him alot.

Well, I guess that's all. Time for breakfast.