What can I say about myself. Not like anyone is really gonna read this. Well, I would like to think of myself as a good guy although I
can lose my temper quite easily, so watch out a bit. Nothing personal hehe. I love soccer, that's all I can think about right now. I LOVE
SOCCER! What more can I say? Haha!
Well, I havent been updating my blog in quite sometime. I really doubt anyone really reads is anyways. One of the main reason I started this blog was so I could practice my writing skills. It was mostly my mom's idea.
About my mom, she passed away last May 11. That is why I havent updated in awhile. I have been busying being with her and worrying for her. I would rather not write about what happened cause it pains me too much. My mom has had cancer for the longest time. We thought she was getting better, we thought so too. She died fighting for life, a life in which she would see her children grow up. She may not be with us, guiding us, but I still feel her. And I am gonna make her hella proud. My mom had to deal with the painful death of my father. She deserved to see their children grow up and we deserved to have our mother.
It is at times like these that I question my God. I know I shouldnt but I cant help it. I prayed so hard for Him to make my mom better. At one point she was but looking back, all it ave us was false hope. And I clung to that hope, so happy that my mom was gonna make it, so happy cause my mom was gonna be with us till we got older. But it didnt happen that way. Everyone says, 'God has a plan.' Im sure it wouldnt have been that hard for Him to include mom in that great plan of us. When I cry out to Him asking that universal question, 'WHY?' I dont feel Him, he doesnt seem to answer. I shouldnt doubt, and I dont, my faith has merely been shaken. Im not mad at God, I just dont understand Him. How can it be that after everything that has happened to our family, He doesnt seem there. Everything feels empty.
People have been telling me how much my mom loved us. Truth be told, I dont need them to tell me that, my mom loved us so much and she showed it to us every moment she was alive. My mom didnt just love us, she had enough love to give to everyone else. My mom made people feel special in a way they couldnt describe but we always loved her for that.
The word, 'condolence' has been thrown at me by everyone. This word means nothing to me. Instead of saying, 'I'm sorry,' 'We all loved your mom,' 'We are gonna miss her,' or something like that, they just say that one word, 'condolence.' As if its supposed to sum up my moms whole life into this one big word. Its nothing, I hate this word. People throw it around but guess what, it doesnt make the person feel better. It really doenst, get rid of it, dont use it ever again and if you use it on me, just wait and see what happens.
How am I dealing with this? I guess Im still in shock. Its like my mom is on a vacation. Maybe of to the beach having fun diving. Or maybe is she is relaxing down in the farm in Cagayan. I always expect her to come through the door. I always thing Ill wake up and see her asleep on the bed. But then it hits me, she isnt coming home. I wont see her again.
When that realization strikes me, I dont know if I can go on. I loved my mom so much and I would have been more then willing, I would have begged and I did, to have been the one dying instead of her. She has gone through so much and she deserved to see us grow up. Even if I died instead of her, she could have taken care of my sister and brother. I dont deserve to live. And when I think about her not coming home, I want to die. I want to leave this messed up place and go home to my dad and mom. I dont want to stay here. Pictures and thoughts of my mom are all that enters my head. When she has in the Intensive Care Unit, with all these tubes and wires helping her fight, she was awake and I was talking to her. I just started crying and telling her how much I wanted to die instead of her. Take me God, just not my dear mother. She started shaking her head and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she disagreed. She thought my life was worth dying for and she did. She died figthing for us, she never gave up till the end. And I love her for that. I will never use the past tense for my mom. She is still here, she still loves us, no matter where she is.
